The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie
by regularshowman
Summary: SpongeBob never imagined that he would be the only hope of a town that just viewed him and Patrick as a kid and nothing else from Plankton who has done the impossible and gotten the formula. Now SpongeBob and Patrick will go on a life changing adventure in which they will save lives, get a priceless treasure, and discover themselves in the process.
1. Krusty Krab 2 Begins

"*Yawn* Mornin' Garry! And good morning Bikini Bottom!" SpongeBob greeted cheerfully upon the sound of his alarm horn blaring in his ear. While any normal person (or fish in this case) would usually be terrified from something like that, SpongeBob had become very acquainted with this sound and it was routine for him. Garry, SpongeBob's pet snail who for some odd reason meowed like a cat, as did all snails in the undersea world of Bikini Bottom, meowed indifferently.

SpongeBob strutted out of bed past his enormous collection of employee of the month award that took up the majority of his bedroom wall and served as a 'good morning' to the seemingly always positive sponge.

He approached his day-to-day calendar that read February 2nd , his index finger and thumb clasped on the page, "Sorry about this calendar," SpongeBob apologized in advanced before ripping the page out to change the date from February 2nd to February 3rd.

SpongeBob moved on to his right and opened his closet, proudly displaying his excessive amount of square pants, none of which were different. Taking one of the many pairs of the same pants SpongeBob slipped into his regular clothes and adjusted his tie.

Next on SpongeBob's daily morning routine was oral hygiene. SpongeBob entered his bathroom and took his toothbrush and tube of toothpaste from his medicine cabinet. The odd thing was that SpongeBob's toothbrush had two sets of bristles that appeared to be for his two buck-teeth but instead, SpongeBob put the toothpaste on and then he… brushed his eyes with it… not sure why…

And finally, SpongeBob ran giddily ran downstairs and into his kitchen. He made himself a bowl of Kelpo for breakfast like he always had. And after that, SpongeBob burst out of his door and barely gave himself any time to say goodbye to Gary before slamming it behind him.

"I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" SpongeBob chanted energetically all the way to work. However, as the Krusty Krab came into view, SpongeBob stopped short when he noticed something else. Something, interesting.

"Woah what's this?" he thought out loud as he began examining the scene before him. It looked like a replica of the Krusty Krab except, unfinished. There were no windows, no doors, and no lights. Heck, it was missing an entire wall. It looked like the Krusty Krab when it was still under construction. But that wasn't the most interesting part about it. No, the most interesting part was the large billboard that stood proudly above the site as if it was saying it was better than everyone else.

And then SpongeBob read the words painted across in big, red, bold capital letters saying, "**THE KRUSTY KRAB 2 IS COMING SOON!**" The minute he read those first few words SpongeBob was in the Krusty Krab within the next second spouting thousands of questions per second to the point where his words merged and came out as unintelligible gibberish.

Mr. Eugene Krabs, SpongeBob and his neighbor Squidward's boss, burst out of his office door when he heard SpongeBob's ramblings, "What's with all the commotion here!?" he shouted angrily in confusion.

Mr. Krabs sighed when he saw SpongeBob rambling about like a madman, "What is it now, SpongeBob?" he asked exhaustedly, SpongeBob didn't seem to notice as he kept rambling insanely.

"I said, WHAT IS IT NOW SPONGEBOB!?" Mr. Krabs shouted angrily. "Oh! Mr. Krabs! Sorry, I guess I got carried away there. Anyway, I was just wondering what that billboard outside means when it says Krusty Krab 2. So… WHEN'S IT GONNA OPEN HUH HUH HUH! WILLMEANDSQUIDWARDBEWORKINGTHEREORWILLWESTILLWORKHEREDGKDLKAJDLKFJDFDLJFLDSFLKDIOJIJEJWOJWEOIFJJGJOIFGKFGKJDHEHKJDHGRHFKJHDKFHDKJSDHFKEFDKFHEUEHFDHKGHDKCNCNCNDFJLKDFOGIODJHLLFDGHLKFDGHURHGRUHGKDFJHGURHGR!" And just like that SpongeBob went into unintelligible gibberish.

Thankfully Mr. Krabs had heard enough understandable words to be able to come up with an answer. Though first he had to slap SpongeBob to snap him out of it before he had a seizure. After all, Mr. Krabs can't be a liability for that kind of thing, he'd lose money!

"Well, me boy, a few months back I thought to myself, 'Hey! Wouldn't it be great if I opened a new Krusty Krab!' and so, I went online to get people on board with my idea. But, as it turns out, there's a name for what I was thinkin' of doin', and it's called a restaurant chain, and that's when a restaurant becomes popular enough that the owner of make more of it! I couldn't believe I hadn't come up with such a brilliant idea!

"And so, I found a small construction crew online who said they would build the Krusty Krab 2 for a surprisingly small amount of money. And thus, the Krusty Krab 2 was born… in exactly one month from now," Mr. Krabs explained to the wide eyed and excited SpongeBob.

Mr. Krabs, having seen the look of satisfaction in his employee's face, scuttled back into his office but stopped short when he remembered something else he had forgot to mention, "Oh, and one more thing, I need you two to meet me in my office, that means you to Mr. Squidward, pronto for a very important private announcement," he added before slamming his office door shut behind him.

* * *

"You wanted to see us, Mr. K?" SpongeBob asked as he took a seat in one of the two chairs in the office that were carved out of barrels. Squidward took his seat in the other, "Alright Mr. Krabs let's make this quick, I don't have all day you know," he complained.

"Ahem, as you boys know, the Krusty Krab 2 will open in exactly one month which is the amount of time the construction crew will need to get the rest of the pieces in place, paint, put the glass up, all those boring factual hullaballoo. Something noteworthy is that you two will take up shop there when it opens, but, unfortunately, I won't.

"While I will stick around for the first month of business or so to make sure ye two are ready, and when I do leave I'll stop by often to give one of you odd jobs to help out, I still need one of you to look after the place when I am gone.

"So, between now and when the new business opens, I'll be watching the both of yah to see who's worthy of the title of… the very first, Krusty Krab, manager! There'll be a ceremony at the grand openin' day to announce who it'll be!" Eugene announced excitedly.

Squidward showed his usual disinterest in anything work-related (with the exception of his paycheck, of course.) While SpongeBob, quite literally, passed out with excitement.

"SpongeBob. SpongeBob. SPONGEOBOB!" Mr. Krab's shouting sounded distant until SpongeBob could get the world back into focus.

"Boy I'd thought I'd lost ye! Could yah do ole Mr. Krabs a favor by not passing out every time I tell you some work-related news!" Mr. Krabs snapped.

SpongeBob propped his back up and rubbed the upper right-hand corner of his head that he had hit hard against the wooden floor upon falling from his chair after he fainted.

"Sorry Mr. Krabs, it was just all too much to take in," SpongeBob apologized as he got up and put his hat back on before walking out of the office and getting to work.

The next morning SpongeBob woke up extra early to get a better look at the construction site. "I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready," SpongeBob chanted at a much quieter volume that usual to make sure he wouldn't stir any of his still sleeping neighbors awake as it was still dark out with the sun only slightly peeking its head over the horizon.

SpongeBob arrived at the site minutes later with a flashlight firmly in hand. He flicked it on.

"Alrighty then let's see what we got here," SpongeBob thought aloud, entering the through the doorway. He noted that they had put the missing wall from yesterday in over the course of that day.

The interior didn't have anything noteworthy other than the fact that it had no light fixtures, neither did the kitchen, manager's office, nor the bathroom.

"Glad I brought my flashlight," SpongeBob chuckled. There wasn't anything too interesting about the interior so SpongeBob eventually gave up and waited for Mr. Krabs to come and unlock the door to the Krusty Krab.

However, he hadn't lost all interest. Over the course of the month SpongeBob not only pushed himself to his limit at work in hopes that Mr. Krabs would notice and consider giving him the promotion to manager, but he also visited the construction site very early in the morning daily with a flashlight to see the new additions to the construction.

It was the night before the grand opening and SpongeBob could hardly contain himself, he had told all of his friends, including his best friend Patrick Star who was a sea star.

"Oooohhh Gary I can't wait for the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2! This is what I've been waiting for my whole life!" SpongeBob cried cheerfully.

"Meow," Gary meowed in disagreement. "Okay I know I've only been waiting for this thing for a month but still I'm sooooo excited!" SpongeBob replied. It took a good few hours for SpongeBob to finally drift off to sleep and when he did, he slipped into a dream he had been having for quite some time now…

**Author's Note:**

**And with that I have begun the SpongeBob Movie remake fic! I'm looking forward to this project and I hope this gets a bit more popular than Mysteries of Aperture. (And by a bit I mean a lot. I'm seriously still waiting for so much as a comment on that thing) And I hope you'll all like it!**


	2. No Cheese!

SpongeBob opened his eyes.

He could almost instantly tell he wasn't back home in his bed with Gary by his side. Instead, he was in a limousine, there were black leather chairs lining the walls, only parting for the doors. SpongeBob was taken aback at first but soon began to go with the logic, or lack thereof, that the dream went by.

He got up from the back seat and noticed what he was wearing, his square pants had a tag on the right hand corner that confidently read 'manager' and his usual bubbly shoes were now replaced by black cowboy boots fit with flame decals painted across and spurs in back.

SpongeBob also took notice of the headset he was wearing on his head with a mouthpiece, though it was rather unnecessary because it wasn't like he was in the CIA.

SpongeBob walked about the interior of the limo so he could break his new shoes in, he stopped by the window and peered out into the world curiously. From what he could tell he was going to the Krusty Krab, the limo going by several recognizable 'landmarks' that were on the way such as the Goofy Goober and the Bargain Mart.

And then, the Krusty Krab came into view.

And it was complete and utter chaos.

There were police everywhere, helicopters circled the sky above the chaotic scene. Police tape cornered the restaurant at every angle and a thick layer of panicked citizens, some customers who were suddenly evacuated from the restaurant , blocked entry to the Krusty Krab from the front.

Another detail that's worth mentioning, is the fact that the Krusty Krab had an extravagant neon sign with flashing bulbs that simply read the number, '2'. This was indeed, the Krusty Krab 2, the original was nowhere to be seen. Neither was the Chum Bucket that was usually right across from it.

It had appeared that SpongeBob's subconscious had pushed them out of focus because to SpongeBob they weren't important right now and might as well not have even existed, which they didn't.

The limo eventually slowed to a stop and the driver opened the door, graciously ushering SpongeBob outside. He stepped out, confident as ever, everyone in the hectic and chaotic crowed suddenly backed away, making a path for the confident sponge.

Mr. Krabs scuttled up to him in hysterics, "Talk to me Krabs," SpongeBob insisted, not bothering to make eye contact but instead choosing to keep his eyes focused on his target, the Krusty Krab 2.

"I didn't want to talk to anyone until me manager was here, thankfully I managed to get the police off me back for the time being. So you see, a customer came in to order a Krabby Patty with cheese. So the frycook on duty cooked one up and gave it to the customer, but when he took a bite," Mr. Krabs bit his lip, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Keep it together Krabs! Tell me what happened when the customer took a bite. What happened? Was he poisoned? Did he choke? Was the Patty so hot it gave him 3rd degree burns? ANSWER ME!" SpongeBob shouted.

Mr. Krabs collected himself as best he could, "There-there-there was NO CHEESE!" he cried out before bursting into tears.

SpongeBob slapped his hysterical boss across the face, "Get it together, Krabs," he scolded, still not making eye contact, before marching up to the building and confidently slamming the doors open.

The lights were out, which would seem odd to the average person. But to SpongeBob, it added atmosphere. (It's a dream world, symbolism is weird.) The doors slowly shut behind him, cutting off the onslaught of anxious onlookers. The tension suddenly rose among the crowd.

In the center of the dining room the customer in question awaited SpongeBob's aid, quivering violently and drenched in sweat with fear overwhelming every fiber in his body. All because of one, small, sandwich.

SpongeBob slowly walked to the table, a lead briefcase had mysteriously materialized in his right hand, the man looked up to see his assistance coming to his aid, "A-are you the o-one who's going to help me?" he asked in a shaky voice.

SpongeBob smirked, "What do you think my shirt says?" he cracked. The man let out a nervous chuckle as SpongeBob laid his briefcase of no origin on the table, "Got a name, partner?" he asked smoothly.

"Ph-phil," Phil stuttered. SpongeBob cracked the mysterious briefcase open, "You got a family, Phil?" SpongeBob continued. Phil stuttered in response. "C'mon Phil, let's hear about that family!" SpongeBob pressed, the confident smile gave way for a focused scowl as he fumbled about in his briefcase for the proper tools.'

"I-I have a wife, and three beautiful children," Phil said. His hand digging into his pocket and shakily taking out his wallet which unfolded to show three photos of his family, one of them being of his wife standing in the background with his daughter in the foreground. The other two being of his twin sons.

SpongeBob pulled out a pair of tweezers from his briefcase, his eyes now focused on the Krabby Patty that had gone surprisingly unnoticed throughout the 'transaction', if you will. "But first…" he mumbled to himself as he lifted the bun to see if the cheese was indeed missing, which it was.

SpongeBob set the bun down next to the Patty on the table that seemed to be made from a decorative helm and dug into his briefcase for a second time, pulling out a spare slice of cheese he always keeps with him for when the frycook on duty makes a careless yet devastating (to him at least) mistake that SpongeBob sees as shrugged off way too often.

Clasping the cheese in the tweezers, SpongeBob slowly brought it down to the Patty, sweat trickling down his forehead, the tension filled everyone, especially the people waiting outside who thought SpongeBob was taking far too long and began jumping to the conclusion that something horrible had happened to him, the cheese drew closer, and closer, and **closer**, until…

Everyone outside was near their breaking point and couldn't take much more waiting.

Suddenly, the door burst open, "Order up," SpongeBob said with a smirk on his face, Phil holding a Krabby Patty, with cheese, rested in the manager's reliable arms.

SpongeBob was forced to put the satisfied customer down so he could get out of the way of the oncoming crowd, cheers rang through the whole area.

SpongeBob was hoisted up by the overjoyed people, "Three cheers for the manager! Hip hip, *HONK* Hip hip, *HONK*," the crowd chanted in unison. SpongeBob's alarm clock had worked its way into its confused owner's dream.

**Author's Note:**

**Okay, before you start to question all the weird bullsh*t that happens in this chapter, the lights being out, the briefcase mysteriously appearing out of nowhere ect. This is a dream, dreams make sense until you wake up, then you realize that what you just experienced, it not normal! So, dream logic, you're argument is invalid.**


	3. The Big Ceremony

SpongeBob jolted out of his bed with his usual smile on his face, "Good morning Gary!" he said cheerfully, like he did every morning. He hopped out of bed.

"Do you know what today is?" he asked to his indifferent pet snail. "Meow," Gary replied blankly.

"Why no, it isn't the day that you're shell gets waxed, but thank you for reminding me about that…" SpongeBob began, walking past his large collection of Employee of The Month Awards, "Today is the day that, sorry about this calendar…" SpongeBob apologized before ripping March 2nd from his day-to-day calendar, "The grand opening ceremony for the Krusty Krab 2! Where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager! And who do think that manager's gonna be you ask? Well, just ask my 234 consecutive, Employee of The Month Award!" he announced prideful. Gary rolled his eyes and slithered away in response to his owners somewhat arrogance.

SpongeBob happily waltzed outside into the fresh open waters that morning had to offer and was on his way, until he remembered he had forgotten to do something…

Squidward hummed cheerfully in the shower, gracious of the one hour each day SpongeBob would spare him his annoyance. It was an average morning, Squidward being forcefully woken up by the obnoxious volume of his neighbor's alarm clock, which was the reason he didn't bother using his own anymore, seeing as he could just use Spongebob's and get used to his new wake up time, which he's adjusted to surprisingly well.

"La da dee, la da doo, la da dum," he sang, "La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, dum dum dum," that time the voice singing didn't belong to him...

"AAAAHHHH! SPONGEBOB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SHOWER!?" Squidward screamed at the top of his lungs, covering his nude body from his, invasive if you will, neighbor with the shower curtain.

SpongeBob was scrubbing his back fully clothed in his grouchy neighbor's shower.

"They don't have a shower at work, silly!" he said. "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" Squidward screeched.

"Well, I just wanted to say good luck at the ceremony, even though I know I'll win," SpongeBob boasted.

"GET OUT!" Squidward yelled, followed by him hurtling SpongeBob through his window and back outside.

SpongeBob got to his feet and, after dusting himself off and wishing his agitated neighbor good luck once more, continued on his way.

Suddenly, as SpongeBob passed the rock his best friend Patrick had made his home under, the rock opened up with Patrick attached to its underside, unclothed…

"Good morning future Krusty Krab 2 manager! Oh, hold on…" Patrick said, his rock closing back up and opening with Patrick now clothed. And the floor of his house, which the interior of shifted seemingly every day with today's interior being a small indent in the sand left by the rock settling in it over the years. Anyway, the floor of the house had two hats, an old beaten up record player that was barely functioning, and a vinyl album cover.

On the cover there was a man wearing a peanut costume, its face bearing soul-piercing eyes and a large grin with noticeably large dimples at each end. The top of it read, "Goofy Goober's jr. Goober Album of Goofiness!" in harmless, bubbly letters.

"And after the ceremony, we're gonna party at…" Patrick began, "GOOFY GOOBER'S PARTY BOAT!" the two shouted in unison before shoving the sailor hats topped with large peanuts on their head, shoving the record on the record player as the Goofy Goober theme song began playing, and began to sing along, "Oh I'm a Goofy Goober yeah! You're a Goofy Goober yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers yeah! Goofy Goober Goober yeah!" they sang.

SpongeBob's watch beeped, "Oh! I've gotta go to the ceremony now or I'm gonna be late! See yah at the Goofy Goober, Pat!" SpongeBob called, running along his way.

"Perch Perkins live at the grand opening ceremony of the Krusty Krab 2! Right now I'm talking with the man of Krab himself, Mr. Krabs!" the lead anchorman of the B.B.N. (Bikini Bottom News) announced. Mr. Krabs leaned in on the microphone, "I like money!" he said, Perch taking the microphone back and continuing his interview, "So tell me, what inspired you to build a new Krusty Krab right next to the original?" he asked.

Mr. Krabs eagerly leaned in like a child eager to say hi to his mom while on camera, "Money!" he replied. Everyone around him had a good laugh, even though he was actually serious.

Meanwhile, Plankton, the tiny and nefarious plankton fish who sought out not only the Krabby Patty Secret Formula, which rested inside a vault in Krabs' office, but also world domination as well, was watching the whole scene unfold from behind a telescope.

"It's not fair! Krabs gets all the recognition for his restaurant, and I haven't ever had one customer!" he shouted, his cries echoing through the empty and seemingly abandoned Chum Bucket walls. Plankton began groaning, his entire body cringed every time he moved.

"Don't get yourself worked up again dear, I just mopped the floors," Karen, Plankton's computer wife who moved about the restaurant on a pole attached to a base with six wheels underneath.

Plankton sighed and hopped down from the stool he was using to get up to the window. "Oh Karen my computer wife, if only you knew what it feels like to be a loser like me," Plankton sighed.

He walked through his laboratory that served as the other side of the Chum Bucket, it was effectively the kitchen of the desolate and depressingly empty restaurant. Karen followed him to a lone filing cabinet in the dark and gloomy room, "I've exhausted every plan in the alphabet! All the way from the letter A, to the letter Y!" he shouted, flinging open the bottom cabinet to show his nag of a wife all of his failures neatly placed within manila folders organized in alphabetical order.

"A, to Y?" Karen questioned, raising an eyebrow. (Metaphorically, of course.) "Yeah, A to Y, you know, the letters of the alphabet," he explained.

"What about the letter Z?" Karen asked. "The letter Z?" Plankton replied confused, as if he'd never heard of the letter Z before despite him being a genius, albeit an arrogant and naïve one. "Yes, Z, the letter after Y," Karen explained.

Plankton's eyes widened. Practically diving into the filing cabinet and frantically ripping though the folders mumbling the letters, "X,Y, Plan Z here it is!" Plankton cried surprised, ripping out a dusty folder from the very back of the cabinet doing nothing but collecting cobwebs and serving as the home for dust bunnies looking desperately for a place to stay.

Plankton opened the folder up and hungrily read it, hanging on to every word as if it were a gripping novel, which it might as well have been. Plankton could have read that one, simple paragraph for hours on end.

"It's evil, it's diabolical, *sniff* it's lemon scented," Plankton thought aloud. He marched outside with a devious smile on his face, "So enjoy today, Krabs. For tomorrow the formula will be mine. And I will rule the world! All hail Plankton! ALL HAIL PLANTON!" Plankton chanted.

Suddenly he felt a torrent of pain assault him as every single muscle, organ, and fiber in his body was crushed down and was taken up off of the ground and then being brought down hard over and over.

Unbeknownst to him, SpongeBob had absentmindedly ran right on top of Plankton while chanting his usual mantra, "I'm ready!" "Ow!" "I'm ready!" "Ow!" "I'm ready!" "Ow!" Spongebob and Plankton chanted, each word being said at he same time.

"Eww, I think I stepped on a bug," SpongeBob said, scraping the toe of his shoe against the pavement, "AAAAHHH! AAAAHHH! AAAAHHH!" Plankton cried in agony upon being grinded against the ground violently.

SpongeBob finally heard Plankton's wails of pain and stopped immediately, taking the battered plankton out from under his shoe and placing him on the ground, "Oh hi Plankton! Sorry, I uh, didn't see yah there…" SpongeBob apologized rather awkwardly.

"Sooo… you going to the Krusty Krab 2 grand opening ceremony?" he asked. "No I'm not going to the grand opening ceremony!" Plankton replied in a mocking tone of voice, "I'm going to rule the world!" he exclaimed.

SpongeBob didn't grasp the weight of what Plankton was actually saying, "Well good luck with that!" he encouraged before running off to the ceremony. "Stupid kid," Plankton sighed as he went back into the Chum Bucket.

SpongeBob, meanwhile, had taken his seat in one of the chairs set up for the people who had paid to watch the ceremony unfold. In front of the audience of chairs there was a large stage, a podium and banner of Mr. Krabs lay on top.

Mr. Krabs came up to the stand, "Welcome and thank you for coming to the grand openin' ceremony of the Krusty Krab 2! Today you will not only be the first to eat at the latest eatery, (and best if you ask me) but you will also find out who will be the very first Krusty Krab manager!" he announced, somewhat nervously as he didn't have a very good history with public speaking.

"We paid nine dollars for this!?" Mrs. Puff shouted angrily. Sandy rose up from her seat, "I paid ten!" she exclaimed, shaking her fist in outrage before settling down.

"Ahem! Anyway… and now, the moment ye've all been waitin' for!" Mr. Krabs announced. "_Oh boy!"_ SpongeBob thought eagerly from his seat. "You all know his name and it starts with an S!" "_That's me!_" "The new Krusty Krab manager is… Squidward Tentacles!" Mr. Krabs announced, pulling a rope to replace the banner of him to that of the new manager himself, Squidward.

"YES! YEAH!" SpongeBob shouted excitedly in his seat, startling the people next to him, including Squidward. SpongeBob clearly thought he had won as he was shaking the tentacle of his surprised coworker, "Oh better luck next time buddy!" SpongeBob consoled, running up on stage and moving Mr. Krabs away from the microphone, "I'd like to say a few words- oh hold the phone folks, Mr. K has something he'd like to say to me… I'm making a complete what of myself? The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen? And now I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?" SpongeBob repeated.

His boss had been trying to break the bad news to him by whispering it in his ear, or holes rather, so the microphone wouldn't catch any of what he was saying but that was clearly a futile effort as SpongeBob was repeating every word he said and found them echoing throughout the audience as well as the stage.

"Oh for crying out loud, SpongeBob! You didn't get the job!" Mr. Krabs finally shouted out, the microphone failed to catch what he was saying that time but he had made himself loud enough for the whole audience to hear even without its aid.

"W-what?" SpongeBob stuttered, reality had finally slammed him in the face and it felt awful. SpongeBob finally noticed the banner of Squidward up in the background, several audience members shaking their heads sadly feeling embarrassed of SpongeBob's mere presence on the stage right now. He felt dizzy, his heart pounded, and pounded to the point where it felt like it wanted to jump out of his chest and run away, ashamed of the sponge. His knees buckled violently like they were twigs in the wind.

"You. Did not. Get. The job!" Mr. Krabs repeated, much more distinct and clearly this time. SpongeBob looked down in sadness, finally excepting his fate.

"Aww lad, it's not like I don't like you, it's just that, well, you're a… hmmm, what's the word I'm looking for…?" Mr. Krabs pondered.

"Dork?" one of the fish in the audience rudely suggested.

"No! No, not dork!" Mr. Krabs detested.

"A goofball?" Pearl added. "Wingnut?" another audience member chimed in. "A knucklehead mcspazitron?!" an elderly woman in the front row shouted, this one more as an insult than a suggestion. As indicated by the fist she angrily waved in the air.

"Okay that's enough! What I'm tryin' to say is, Squidward's a man. And, well, you're just a kid. Otherwise it'd be called a kidager! You understandager- I mean, you understand?" Mr. Krabs explained.

SpongeBob, feeling hurt, humiliated, and ashamed silently walked off stage quietly chanting, "I'm ready, depression. I'm ready, depression," in a pathetic voice.

"Poor lad…" Mr. Krabs sighed.

"HOORAY FOR SPONGEBOB!" Patrick shouted out of nowhere. He was completely nude and was crashing the ceremony via a parachute that he held tightly with both arms, a flag with 'SpongeBob' painted across it was held between his butt cheeks that were clenched tightly together so the flag wouldn't fall.

Patrick's trajectory was off severely, however, as he crashed into the banner, coming down hard on the audience who in a panicked cluster of screams fled the scene to avoid being crushed by the banner. Sandy had to launch herself from her seat to push another audience out of the way so he wouldn't be crushed by one of the poles holding the banner up.

The banner somehow caught fire, Patrick poked his head out from underneath the destruction he caused, "Hello?! Did anyone see my butt!?" Patrick called.

He was only met with the sound of flames nearby.

**Author's Note:**

**Wow, this was a long one! I finally hit over 2,000 words (which is a little achievement I've been trying to get) and I feel great!**

**What? You wanted more? Well, that's all I had to say, sooo, I'm out!**


	4. Infiltration

It was 9:30 PM. The sky had finally set on the long, summer day. The castle was in view. Plan Z couldn't wait to be executed any longer. Plankton was ready.

"Karen, did you plant the surveillance cameras in each room?" he asked, perched on the roof of a house in rural Bikini Bottom. Rural Bikini Bottom is an area in the town that is almost frozen in the medieval times, and while King Neptune did have some jurisdiction over the modern Bikini Bottom, mostly for law enforcement, he had all the power in this part of the town.

"Sure did, hon," Karen, who was talking to Plankton via an earpiece he was wearing, replied. "The castle has exactly two hundred guards and eighty five chambers, not including hallways, which would lead to a sum of one hundred and twenty room total," Karen explained

"Why would ANYONE need forty hallways!" Plankton shouted

"Calm down, hothead, do you even understand the massive size of the castle?," Karen sighed, rolling her eyes from back at the Chum Bucket.

Plankton decided the time had come to invade the castle, the last of the citizens began pouring in, most of them running as the trial had already started and the majority of the citizens still coming in the castle were late, the rest were guards whose shifts had just begun. If Plankton spent anymore time surveying the premises or he would miss his chance to execute Plank Z.

Plankton activated a device on his back, two blades protruded from a slot on the roof of the machine composed of wires and a spring and pulley system and began spinning rapidly, propelling Plankton into the air towards the castle ahead.

Harold Steinman loathed his job. It was the one thing he absolutely despised, the only reason he took it was because he heard from his friend, who was also a guard until he was killed protecting King Neptune from an assassin, told him that the job paid big money.

On this night he was marching about the hallways of the prisoner's wing. The dungeon walls were composed of the usual stones that were weathered and moist with types of moss that the existence of had yet to be discovered by scientists, the living conditions for the prisoners being the typical inhumane cells with weak, rusted bars that they don't bother trying to break down due to their lack of strength, what with them being allowed food and water once a week, and only if King Neptune is in a good mood, which is rare.

All of this, however, was hard to even notice with the blanket of darkness that canvassed every corner of every corridor, the dense blackness only ever being penetrated by the occasional dim light coming from the weak illumination of a guard's lantern.

This was another reason why Harold loathed dungeon duty, the whole wing of the castle was miserable and eerie, the constant supply of darkness hiding the source of the prisoner's wails of agony and starvation. It was especially depressing because, the majority of the prisoners were sent there for either petty reasons or reasons that were out of their control.

King Neptune was **not** a kind ruler. The man was considered a monster by the entirety of Rural Bikini Bottom and, in fact, is holding a trial for a man accused of touching Neptune's crown even though he was the royal crown polisher as I narrorate.

"Why did I ever except this job?" Steinman mumbled under his breath as he continued down a corridor that seemed to have no end.

Steinman was clad in old, rusty armor that had a shell emblem forged in the middle of the chest plate. His leggings were aged to the point where they needed to be oiled every two hours; his boots weren't even being worn because they had somehow shattered the day prior. Then there was his helmet… Harold couldn't even bring it down to protect his face for the life of him.

The only decent protection he bore on him was a long, sleek dagger that also bore a clam emblem on the hilt and even the sheath that it lay holstered in by Steinman's side.

In his right fin he clasped one of the afro mentioned barely illuminated lanterns that King Neptune supplied, too lazy to forge actually decent methods of illumination.

It seemed like it was going to be a regular night on the job with corridors and more darkness being the only thing to look forward to.

*Tap, tap, tap*, "Halt! Who goes there?!" Harold called, now on full alert. He drew his dagger from its sheath and got into a battle stance as he cautiously continued down the hallway.

The noise didn't persist and eventually Steinman became less tense and continued on his way down the corridor, boredom overtook him once more.

His lantern suddenly went out with the distant noise of approaching propellers.

Steinman was on full guard now, someone was definitely coming, an escaped prisoner who mustered up enough strength to break one of the bars off perhaps.

"Who are you?! Show yourself, heathen!" Harold shouted, hoping that if he sounded brave he would become braver to no avail.

The propellers came closer, Steinman got ready for an ambush, it sounded like the convict was just around the corner now, and Steinman feared for his life now and was prepared to bolt for his own safety in mind.

And then… nothing. "H-hello?" Steinman whimpered, his knees were buckling so badly that his leggings tore straight in half, "Boo," a voice whispered next to his voice.

Steinman ran screaming and didn't look back, Plankton had counted on this.

"Did the 'element of fear' work?" Karen asked mockingly. Plankton rolled his eyes and didn't reply to his wife's petty insults and skepticism.

The darkness provided excellent camouflage for the plankton fish, though the lack of guard over the dungeon halls rendered that camouflage unnecessary.

Plankton crept down the halls and took notice of the wails of agony emitting from the despaired prisoners, he relished in it. The exit door came into view, a crack of light shown through the partly open passage. "Now the real challenge begins," Plankton chuckled, rubbing his hands together deviously.

Plankton was too preoccupied with looking around the halls to see if anyone was around to notice a guard sneak up behind him. Though he did notice the man when he felt the guard's iron boot slam down on him viciously, Plankton also noticed how he lost consciousness.

"Uhhung… Where am I?" Plankton groaned, his eyes slowly creaked open. He blinked twice and raised his head.

Somewhat stunned, Plankton looked about his surroundings. He was still somewhere in the dungeon, though this chamber was lit by torches hung in an almost ritualistic pattern on the walls of the cylinder chamber.

Parallel to him was a large, imposing door with an iron grip attached to a metal band stretching across the length of the doorway, the usual design of one you'd find in a castle, the dungeons especially.

Plankton finally attempted to get up, but couldn't!

"Unngh!" he groaned, struggling and moaning pathetically.

Plankton twisted his head around to the best of his abilities to see what he was resting on.

A spider web. He was on a spider web.

It was the largest spider web Plankton had ever laid his eye on. It was about thirteen feet in diameter and was connected to the ledge of a well the same size. Plankton was unable to see the bottom, only an inky blackness that he was somewhat thankful for. Though unwilling to admit it, he was terrified of what might be down there.

A guard suddenly stepped through the door and closed it behind him. "So, you decided to break into King Neptune's Castle, eh? You've made a grave mistake my friend! Oh, not breaking into the castle for whatever reason, no. You've made the grave mistake of being caught by me! You see, I'm Rodrigo Ramirez, I'm an ex bounty hunter from Mexico who decided to take a job as a guard here.

"Would you like to know why I no longer work as a Mexican bounty hunter? The last man I was assigned to hunt down? The police found his body face first in a lagoon three days later," Rodrigo hissed. He was wearing the same attire as the rest of the guards, though he was wearing a light, leather jacket underneath. Plankton wasn't the least bit surprised when he saw Rodrigo remove his chest plate and pull out a knife from one of the seemingly infinite amount of coat pockets untrustworthy characters like Ramirez.

He scoffed, "How cliché, I would have pulled a knife outta my antenna!" Plankton boasted. Ramirez scoffed back, "What? Do you think that I will plunge this knife down and cut you in two?! Ha! What kind of psychotic bounty hunter do you take me for?! If anything, the fact that this is a knife means nothing to me!" Rodrigo responded.

Plankton raised his eyebrow, "Then what's the knife for?" he asked.

Ramirez wordlessly dropped his weapon into the chasm and smiled cruelly at the helpless creature entangled in the massive web before him.

"Neptune's pet needs to eat, child. To it, you're a delicious fly," he said coldly, as if he thought this was the way it had to be in nature and was completely used to it, which he was.

That's when it hit Plankton like a boot coming down hard on him.

Neptune had a giant, pet, spider.

"Oh no…" Plankton groaned, realizing just how much trouble he was truly in at that moment.

"Yes my friend, you finally get it. You are, how you say, spider chow. Pardon me for the ridiculous term. It was the only way I could express your realization in an unfittingly harsh and cynical fashion."

"Now then, the sound of my knife should've awoken the beast from slumber, which means it will join us for dinner any second now. I have decided to watch, like I always do," Rodrigo insisted.

His dialogue was incredibly stupid and in any other context Plankton wouldn't have seen this man as a threat for a second. But here, Ramirez clearly took sadistic pleasure in watching his prisoners being brutally ripped apart by the jaws of an enormous spider, that and the glints of madness in his eyes, told Sheldon that this was an extremely dangerous man.

*Tap, tap, tap* "Oh it appears that our guest has come for his one course meal!" Rodrigo exclaimed like a giddy child. The name he had given Plankton made him shudder, "_Don't remind me…_" he thought dreadfully. Plankton painstakingly bent his head once more to see the dark abyss he was quite literally hanging over by a thread, his breath caught in his throat.

Eight spindly legs crawled out of the darkness menacingly, followed by a crowd of red, glassy eyes that stared into Plankton's soul.

Its abdomen was enormous, showing off the massive amount of fish it had consumed in the past. Then there was its mouth, two scythe-like pincers concealed its gaping maw.

Seeing this, Plankton struggled to get free of the web's snare. "I am afraid it is no use, my friend. All you can do is wait for the spider to come and hope for your demise to be brief and sparing," Ramirez insisted.

For a minute, Plankton did feel like it was a hopeless situation, Ramirez had confiscated his backpack and he couldn't wriggle his way out of the web for the life of him. It seemed like Rodrigo had thought of everything.

After all, Plankton no longer had any of his equipment…right?

Except, he hadn't. Karen had seen to that for this exact situation.

Plankton still had his earpiece. Karen had heard and seen the whole thing unfold.

Rodrigo's arrogance had blinded him from seeing the two damning pieces of evidence, the surveillance bug, and the earpiece.

"Karen, detonate the charge!" Plankton commanded, not bothering to hide his statement from Ramirez, knowing that the man would soon discover the real reason why catching him was an enormous mistake.

You see, inside each surveillance bug there was a devastating charge that, despite its size, could destroy an entire wall, which may seem unimpressive, but it was more than enough of what Plankton needed for his escape.

The bug dropped to the floor and now Karen had total control over where it went in the five seconds she had before it detonated with just a small joystick.

5….. "Who are you talking to? Do you have an earpiece!" Ramirez shouted, Karen was making her way towards the web, the spider was making its way to Plankton from the underside of the web.

4….. Rodrigo made his way furiously toward Plankton and leaned over the edge to get a good look at what Plankton had on him, and saw the earpiece. A threatening sneer crawled on his face.

3….. The charge worked its way onto the web and froze suddenly. "Heh, uh Karen? Why did you stop?" Plankton chuckled nervously.

2….. Plankton was right in not underestimating Rodrigo, the man was surprisingly swift on his feet, running towards Plankton with jarring speed, this was his second mistake. His feet caught in the web almost instantaneously.

1….. At the last second Karen jerked the joystick forward as hard as her robotic arms could and the charge sprang forward onto the precise point she had planned for it to.

0….. *BOOM!* The charge exploded violently, though it missed the spider and Plankton entirely, Ramirez was unfortunate enough to be standing right next to it at the time of the explosion and was torn to shreds by the blast.

Most of the webs' connections to the ledge had been severed causing it to fall and slam against the side of the deep well.

Plankton grunted in pain upon impact and looked up with surprising ease. In fact, he slowly began sinking from his grip, the web was somehow losing its ability to stick.

Without hesitation, he grabbed onto one of the threads and slowly made his way up toward the ledge of the well, when he felt something scratch against his leg.

Plankton had forgotten about the spider, which was now making its way to the other side of the web so it could consume its prey once and for all.

Upon seeing this he began frantically clawing up the threads like a stray scratching on someone's door. The spider wasn't far behind, taking advantage of the fish's size and pinning him to the wall, its jaws opened wide.

Plankton grabbed the leg and attempted to lift it from his body in a futile attempt.

Karen could hear the struggle from the earpiece and sighed, tired of her husband's lack of intelligence, "Sheldon?" she said.

"Y-yes, h-oney?" Plankton stuttered. "Your backpack is tangled in the web next to you," Karen pointed out dumbly.

"Oh. Wait, how do you know? The surveillance bug exploded?" Plankton asked.

"There's another one in the bottom of the well," she replied calmly.

Plankton slammed his hand against his forehead. He quickly reached out and grabbed the backpack.

A brilliant yet cruel idea flashed in his head, he held the roof of the backpack outward and activated it.

The blades shot out and the motor began running. In an instant the blades began violently slicing into the creature's leg. Blood spurted from its expanding gash, cries of agony emitted from its maw. Just like Plankton had hoped, the spider lost its grip and plummeted into the darkness below.

However, with nothing to hold him against the wall, Plankton too began to fall into the abyss.

Swiftly, he put on the backpack and reactivated the propellers, soaring out of the pit at the last second.

Thankfully, the explosion had blown the door wide open, providing a means of escape for Plankton.

Now the heist began.

**Author's Note: **

**Man this chapter is LONG overdue! Honestly half the time I was too busy and the other half I was creatively bankrupt! This is also the longest chapter so far, it already hit 2,000 words and counting a while back. If you haven't noticed I based this chapter somewhat after Alex Rider, (and I just finished Scorpia so do NOT spoil anything for me!) because I wanted to create a compelling action sequence, and because I have no idea how to so I sort of copied the style of someone else which I'll try to avoid in the future if I can adopt my own style, or at least when I get some actual comprehension of decent writing, or something along those lines… **


	5. At the Station

Patrick was handcuffed and thrown into a police cruiser faster than he could figure out what was going on amidst all the chaos of panicked civilians running and screaming in terror. It took his intelligence depraved brain to put the pieces together and realize that his "surprise" for SpongeBob, who was still nowhere to be seen, had completely brought down the entire stage setup and caused a panic among the public and was being arrested for it. That and he was completely nude when he did it.

What was left of the ceremony was a flurry of terrified and confused people along with police cruisers, fire trucks, and ambulance vehicles everywhere.

And the stage was buried underneath the banner that had been set alight by an unknown source, firefighters attacking it with hoses from all angles.

"Woops…" Patrick said dumbly, only now realizing some of the damage he'd caused.

The police officer who had cuffed him held a hatred-filled glare at him as he entered the cruiser and turned on the siren. Patrick shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked out the window to see the damage he had caused, the weight of how bad what he did finally hit him.

A light was shined on Patrick's face by an angered interrogator, having being pulled out of the cruiser suddenly at arrival at the Bikini Bottom Police Station (B.B.P.S.).

Patrick felt terrible at what he did and was willing to cooperate with whoever he was being interrogated by, only problem being that the man interrogating him relied heavily on tactics that involved impatience and almost never letting the person speak.

"What were you thinking!" he shouted. "Well-" "You could've killed someone you psycho!" "I'm-" "Reckless behavior like that is the thing that causes public scares!" "I-" "And fatalities!" "Please-" "and casualties!" "But-" "AND CASUAL FATALITIES!" "Alright already! I get it! What I did was bad and someone could've been killed, I know! Please, let me speak!" Patrick cried suddenly.

The man scowled and began to get angry, "Don't you DARE ever talk to your superior like that again! Do you understand me!" he snapped. Patrick slumped back in his seat, "All I did was try to surprise my best friend for his ceremony! Didn't know that it was that bad until now…" he mumbled, arms crossed angrily.

"I've heard of idiots like you, never caring about the safety of others and just going for it without any thought put into it at all. Lord you morons infuriate me!" The man spat. He rose up from his seat and began looking at Patrick intensely.

"You're coming with me," he said.

The halls of the police station were dark and cruel, devoid of all positive emotion. Patrick shuddered at each corner he and the interrogator turned, anticipating his destination anxiously. Finally, the man halted in front of him. They were there, at a jail cell.

Before Patrick could speak he was thrown inside as the door slammed him and the officer stormed off, mumbling something, most likely unintelligible swears.

"Hey! What about that place you were taking me to! You were talking about the Goofy Goober, right?" Patrick called to no response. He sighed and took his place on a hard mattress that had Neptune knows how many bedbugs, (or whatever their sea-life equivalent is) and looked around to pass the time.

" *Groan!* I'm gonna be late for the Goofy Goober celebration!" he cried in frustration to himself, "Probably won' even make it to the Goofy Goober theme song performance," he mumbled, collapsing on to the mattress and shifting uncomfortably, "How do jail people even sleep without a blanket? This is torture! How long have I been here? 2… 3 years maybe?" Patrick continued talking to himself for a while before he finally passed out from exhaustion.

Patrick was awoken by the startling sound of the cell door creaking open loudly, breaking the absolute silence that had filled the halls. That and what appeared to be sirens wailing loudly.

"Huh, whas' happening?" he said, half awake and groggy. He suddenly felt someone tug at his arm and he noticed that the man was wearing rags and most likely homeless, no doubt one of the other people who were put in the cells for whatever period of time before their trial or before someone paid bail for them.

"C'mon! We gotta go NOW!" he snapped insistently. Patrick was then forced off of the uncomfortable mattress and onto his feet as the two ran blindly out of the cell ad down the hall, even though neither one of them had any knowledge of the interior design of the Police Station.

Their feet smacked against the floor as the turned each corner they saw, the sound of police officers running frantically in their direction soon followed. "Oh crap, they're gainin' on us!" the convict cried, hurrying the still not fully awake Patrick along even faster.

He looked behind them with tired eyes and was finally snapped awake by the sight of seven officers chasing after them with tasers in hand, "Wait, are you busting me out!" he asked, only now catching on to what was happening.

The convict smacked his hand against his forehead and looked at Patrick with a look that was asking if he was serious or not. "You're kidding, right?" he asked sternly. Patrick shook his head dumbly in reply.

"I hate when I get paired up with the idiots," he mumbled.

Suddenly, the convict tightened up and doubled over, twitching suddenly. It took a while for Patrick to realize what had just happened and that the convict had been hit with a stun gun. When he did realize what was happening, he began sprinting down the hall as fast as he could without passing out. His girth made physical activity a chore and very strenuous on his lazy muscles, and Patrick hadn't run this fast even before he was, well, bulky, so to speak.

" *Gasp* Wheeze* *Pant* *Word that suggests how tired all this running is making me*" Patrick gasped as he turned the corner, just narrowly dodging a shot fired at him.

Then, the worst possible thing happened.

The hallway was a dead end.

The officers were almost around the corner and the only doors Patrick saw were the male and female bathrooms, he darted into the female bathroom in a heartbeat.

Without hesitation Patrick ran into one of the stalls and stood on the toilet, crouching down so no one could see him. Even he had to admit how stupid his stealth plan was.

The officers burst in and began searching the stalls, thankfully there was an unusually high amount of them and it would take a bit before they reached his stall.

Patrick looked for a way out but could find none, none except…

He looked down and saw his only option. Patrick banged his head against his hand for a bit and took a deep breath before squishing his body as tight as he could and dived into the stagnant toilet water below, finding it obviously near impossible not to vomit as he crawled and wriggled around in the pipe.

Patrick emerged out of the pipe, every muscle in his body aching as he slowly stumbled to his feet and lumbered through the river of sewage flowing through and climbed up the ladder that led to the dry paths above.

After finally releasing the vomit that had been swimming around in his mouth for some time now, Patrick began making his way towards the ladder that would lead him out of the sewers and climbed out onto the streets above, feeling the breeze in his face and beginning his long walk to the Goofy Goober, hopeful that SpongeBob would have the great news of a new promotion following the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2.

The Goofy Goober was usually an incredibly happy place for kids of all ages to go on Friday nights or on birthdays or whatever the occasion, but this time, for Spongebob at least, it was a very mooching location, as if it was the manifestation of irony itself for this situation.

SpongeBob, who was sitting miserably at the counter of the nut bar which was situated off to the corner of the Party Boat, stirred his spoon in his long since melted ice cream, his eyelids red and heavy from seemingly endless crying. He was waiting for Patrick, admittedly impatient, so he could tell his friend the bad news, which was even harder on him as he had heard about how his friend was arrested for what happened after he left the ceremony in shame somewhere on his way to the place.

Just then, SpongeBob heard impossibly, over all the noise of the music and perpetually cheering children, the two front doors of the Goofy Goober slam open. He heard because he knew.

He knew that it was Patrick.

**Author's note:**

**GOD! How long ago was the last chapter posted? I know it's close to a month, It HAS to be close to a month! Damn, I'm just glad other ideas for fanfiction didn't push me to cancel this one in favor of something else!**


	6. Drunk Flavored Ice Cream

Patrick began scanning the Boat for his best friend. SpongeBob, meanwhile, had continued to stirring his ice cream soup and hoping that Patrick wouldn't be smart enough to find him and go home. No! What kind of way to think about your own best friend is that! Besides, that would only postpone the inevitable, SpongeBob had to tell Patrick this now! But, he heard about Patrick's arrest on the way to the Goofy Goober and bad news like this would destroy his optimism. _"*Sigh* I hope Patrick will understand," _he thought miserably.

There was that and the fact that he had been branded with the title of "kid", that he would _also_ have to explain to Patrick if he were to understand why SpongeBob had been denied the title of manager.

"Hey, SpongeBob!" Patrick waved, breaking into a light jog towards him. SpongeBob shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked away. Patrick shouted his name again. He took his seat next to him.

"How's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager?" he asked cheerfully. "Um, Pat, I d-" SpongeBob started, "Oh who am I kidding? Of course you're doing great!" Patrick exclaimed, not letting SpongeBob finish, "Pat? I uh, didn't get the promotion..." SpongeBob mumbled. The expression on Patrick's face turned grim, but then jolly again.

"Ha, ha, you talked so quietly that it sounded like you said... oh," he replied, realizing what SpongeBob said. "They said I was just a kid," SpongeBob rasped. After that the two just stared down at the table. "Uh, hey can I get a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise?" Patrick asked of the man behind the counter, who was dressed in a ice cream parlor uniform and wore a peanut mask on his head and clearly hated his job with a burning passion.

He got to work behind the counter and paced a large mound of vanilla ice cream in a glass and then placed a banana in one side, and another in the other side. He then put a dab of hot fudge on the top and place another banana through it. Afterwards, he took three cherries and somehow balanced them on the tip of each banana. Finally, he put two gumballs on the face of it and made a licorice smile underneath.

"Here's your Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, sir," he sighed, placing it in front of Patrick with little happiness in his voice before returning to washing dishes with a rag.

"He, Triple Gooberberry Sunrise sounds pretty good right now..." SpongeBob said, a half-smile forming on his face. "Now yer talking!" Patrick exclaimed joyfully. "Hey waiter, we need another one over here!" Patrick requested.

The waiter sighed and quickly prepared another, this time taking something out of his pocket and putting a dab of it in the sundae before placing it down in front of SpongeBob, who proceeded to devour it in seconds.

Suddenly, something spiked inside of him and his brain went numb for a couple of seconds before beginning to process slower, SpongeBob had just consumed alcohol. "Oh boy that hit the spot! I'm feeling better already!" he said in a drunk voice, trying hard not to fall out of his seat. "Two more please!" SpongeBob demanded.

The waiter tried his hardest to appear uninterested but really he was enjoying making his customers drunk, that was a "game" he liked to play with older customers who wouldn't sustain severe brain damage from drinking alcohol. Yeah it was cruel, but in the right conditions, hilarious.

He made the sundaes, drugged them with alcohol, and gave them to SpongeBob and Patrick. The two devoured them and were already beginning to get wasted.

"Oh waiter!" SpongeBob ordered, "Waiter!" he called. "WAITER!" he shouted. It went on like this for a while; SpongeBob rudely ordered two Triple Gooberberry Sunrises, the waiter prepared and drugged them, and then SpongeBob and Patrick got even drunker.

* * *

It seemed that at some point SpongeBob had passed out drunk because before he knew it he was in the nut bar, except, quiet...

"Hello? Hello!" he called out to no reply. He noticed that where there should be the rest of the Goofy Goober there was a wall, to which he began panicking. "HELP! HELP!" he cried, again, to no response.

Just then, he turned his head and noticed a door where it shouldn't be. Slowly, he approached it, and went through into a blinding light.

* * *

SpongeBob opened his eyes and found that he was back in the Goofy Goober, except, sunlight was streaming through the windows and the place was a complete wreck. Tables were turned over and ice cream was smeared everywhere. SpongeBob felt sick to his stomach and his head was pounding, trying to collect the lost information from the previous night of two drunk fools having too much fun.

"Ugh, how did I get a hangover from eating ice cream?" he moaned, rubbing his hand on his throbbing head and noticing Goofy Goober's (the Party Boat's mascot) hat was resting atop it. Dark circles also hung beneath his eyes and he had somehow formed a 5:00 shadow.

"Pa- *hic* trick? Where *hic* are you?" he called, to the reply of someone else, "Hey, kid! Get outta here! It's 8:00 AM! I want to go home! Go scrape up your friend and get out," the bartender who had drugged them hissed. "Hey, did you happen to put anything in our ice cream last night?" Patrick, who had woken up and stumbled to his friend, asked. The bartender's eyes darted before he bolted.

But just then, three police officers came out of nowhere and tackled and cuffed him. Patrick suddenly grabbed SpongeBob by the arm and pulled him out of the Party Boat and ran off into the distance. SpongeBob just shrugged. "Oh! It's 8:00 AM! I'm gonna be late for work, Mr. Krabs is-" SpongeBob's expression turned into a scowl when he remembered what had happened yesterday.

He stormed off to confront his selfish boss.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Okay, this was a short chapter and I know it. This wasn't really supposed to have much significance to the story except for the dream SpongeBob had. That will come further into play later. Also, this chapter explained how they got drunk from eating ICE CREAM of all things. And,** **for a later chapter, you know how everything in the movie disappeared when season four started? According to the SpongeBob wikia, that's because it was confirmed that the events of the movie take place AFTER the events of the series! That's gonna be important later! And finally, WE GOT THE OLD COPY-N-PASTE SYSTEM BACK! *Plays "_We are the Champions_" in the background***


	7. Stubborn

SpongeBob staggered along the road drunk, his vision blurry and cross. The Krusty Krab 2 was only three blocks away but it felt like three miles at the rate he was walking, if you could really call it that.

Suddenly, something flew by SpongeBob in a flash and disappeared around the corner, in the direction of the Krusty Krab 2... Even in his current state this made him raise an eyebrow of curiosity as he gave chase. And his unstable feet immediately gave in letting his face smack against the concrete.

"Ugh, let's not run. Shall we?" SpongeBob groaned to himself as he climbed to his feet and continued limping toward the restaurant.

As the Krusty Krab 2 eventually came into sight SpongeBob noticed the speeding blur that had gone by earlier parked right on the curb of the sidewalk carelessly. The vehicle in question was a beautiful seashell chariot with a golden rim and sleek, leather reigns strapped around the two most majestic seahorses he'd ever seen in his life. Well, besides Mystery, but that was out of love more than beauty. They were both peach and white in pigment, their manes beautifully groomed with a sleek shine about them.

Still in awe, SpongeBob slowly approached one and stroked its mane, the seahorse whinnied happily in reply.

SpongeBob then remembered his goal and stormed to the doors of the Krusty Krab 2, his face now contorted into an angry yet determined scowl.

What SpongeBob saw when he walked in was... surprising, to say the least.

Inside, believe it or not, King Neptune himself was in the process of angrily chewing out Mr. Krabs with horrifying yet at the same time impressive fury, his eyes bulging and veins throbbing. And for some reason, a bag was snugly fit atop his head. Though the fact that SpongeBob was in the presence of King Neptune himself alone was enough to distract from his makeshift "crown" of sorts.

SpongeBob then noticed someone else next to King Neptune, a pretty young mermaid with navy blue hair, most likely dyed that way, black glasses, freckles, pink lipstick, and a rather formal pink tank-top with a heart on the front. SpongeBob recognized her as Princess Mindy, Neptune's daughter whom he heard had a leaning toward being a compassionate and fair ruler of the sea instead of that of one with an iron fist, much like her father. A worried look painted on her face.

"YOU CAN DENY IT NO LONGER, KRABS! I will have NO MORE of your lies! YOU are he criminal who has stolen my beloved crown, and you left one DAMNING piece of evidence at the scene of the crime!" Neptune boomed, every word that came from him shook the Krusty Krab 2 violently.

Reaching into his pocket, Neptune pulled out a small piece of scrap paper, and while the text was on the other side of it from where SpongeBob was standing, Mr. Krabs read it aloud and rid him of the confusion, "I stole the crown signed EUGENE KRABS?!" he cried.

"B-but, I didn't write that, your highness this is all just a big misunderstanding! I would never steal your magnificent crown, no one would **dare** even considering such a heist!" Krabs was beginning to get hysterical, genuine fear expressing itself on his mortified face.

"Oh save it! Everyone knows you have a damaging track record in criminal activity! Animal abuse, stalking, theft, money forgery, the list goes on! Your a complete sociopath and its about damn time your crimes are punished with contempt and _extreme _prejudice! In other words, **execution!**" Neptune spat coldly, Mr. Krabs hung his head in shame as he realized that, every last word Neptune had just uttered (well, except for the part of him stealing the crown, but still...) was true.

"Daddy!" Mindy suddenly spoke up, quickly gliding in front of her father. "You can't just execute someone without a fair trial! I get that you're not a softy and I can respect that," she began, "but ruling with an iron fist and not having any compassion isn't fair to your subjects and is the kind of thing that leads to rebellions! Remember what happened to your... _successor_?" King Neptune shuddered at the mere mention of his name.

"_So many pitchforks..._ Ahem! I-I well, nevermind your grandfather! _Heaven knows how much of a bloodbath his downfall was..._" Neptune mumbled, memories from the past clouding his focus.

"Wait! How about my two sense!" SpongeBob cut in running by hiss boss's side, giving him some comfort.

"SpongeBob, me boyo! Where have ye been? Well, that aint importint right now! What have ye got to say about me to the nice King Neptune?" Krabs asked.

SpongeBob turned to face the impressive king and drew a breath before addressing his highness, "Well, Mr. Krabs is, a complete JERK!" he burst out in a fit of blind rage, "I deserved the title of manager! But nooooo! I'm just some stupid **kid**!" SpongeBob ranted, now facing his boss with nothing but utter contempt directed toward him.

"Oh! And looks like we can add profiling to that list of crimes, too! Wow, you're on a _roll, _Eugene!" Neptune scorned sarcastically. You could clearly see that he had a burning desire to spit on him, but that would be low and cheap. Even he knew that.

"Has anyone else got anything to say? No? Well then..." Neptune's trident lashed out in an instant, fire blazing on each tip, sadistically longing to not only skewer him but also slowly roast him to death.

It took him a second to process what was going to happen next, but when it did hit him, SpongeBob slammed Mr. Krabs out of the way in a flash, a fireball flicked from the trident no more than a split second later. "Whoa! Your highness! Don't you think it's a bit... extreme to kill someone over a crown?!" he cried in shock.

"Nonsense! Stealing from the king is of the highest offense anyone throughout the entire seven seas could **possibly** commit! Not to mention that the crown is a symbol of my authority!" Neptune suddenly leaned in by SpongeBob's ear, "And, between you and me... my hair is thinning quite a bit..." he whispered in embarrassment.

SpongeBob chuckled, "Oh I'm sure it's nothing your highness! I bet you could show it to all of us and we wouldn't be phased at all!" SpongeBob insisted.

King Neptune's eyes darted around reluctantly, followed by him sighing in resignation. His hands tightened around the brown bag on his head, and he threw it off.

Almost instantly the crowd of on looking customers along with SpongeBob began chanting "BALD!" in horror, the gazes fixated on Neptune's head which was indeed, bald. In fact, there wasn't a single hint of evidence that there had ever been there. In fact, it was shiny. Blindingly shiny.

Neptune threw his bag back on in annoyance, shooting the crowd a look in the process.

SpongeBob chuckled nervously, "Heh, yeah... Well, I'm sure Mr. Krabs is innocent! If I know Mr. K, and I do, I-" Krabs suddenly placed a claw over SpongeBob's mouth, a guilty look on his face, "Actually me boy..." Krabs drew in a deep breath, "I abuse yer' pet sneagle to steal coins from others, I'm a horrible parent who would never dare pay for a heart transplant if needed, I value money more than life, I've been manipulating ye since the day ye started workin' here, and I'm a greedy sociopathic miser and am also a bit of a sadist who will manipulate anyone in to getting a penny!" Mr. Krabs dropped to his knees gasping for air.

SpongeBob stared at his pathetic boss wide eyed. King Neptune merely stood tall and proud, arms folded and an arrogant, triumphant look on his face. "I rest my case. You're less than petty, Krabs, you're scum." Neptune spit on the floor in front of Krabs.

"BUT, I still stand my ground that I didn't steal your crown, your highness," Krabs said defensively.

Now Neptune was looking ticked. Burning rage, more like it. "I shall NOT be defied any longer! You have stolen my most prized possession that I planned to pass down to my lovely daughter who **really** needs to stop breathing down my neck! *Sigh* I know you stole my crown, I know as well as you that you can't lie right to my face forever, and I know that this will end **badly** either way. Might as well confess now so we can get this over with!" Neptune boomed.

Despite the King's intimidation methods Eugene still stood his ground, scowling. SpongeBob was still having trouble recovering from the shock of what his boss had just confessed in that brief amount of time.

Just then, a note was slipped under the door, Neptune picked it up suspiciously, "Crown at Shell City," his face suddenly looked up eerily, his eyes wide with utter shock.

Silently, Neptune went over to Mr. Krabs and began glaring down at him.

Before Eugene knew it, he felt an enormous fist slam into the side of his face, leaving a small crack in his skull.

And then, Neptune appeared to have a mental breakdown as he ran out of the Krusty Krab 2. Clearly worried, Mindy ran after him. SpongeBob finally snapped out of his daze as he realized how out of control the situation was getting. Quickly, he ran outside after the two.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

** All right! Yet another overdue chapter out of the way! Damn, seems like I'm on a freaking roll...**

** Anyway, I hope that I can upload chapters more often in the near future and the next chapter will probably have the most satisfying thing in the entire show... if it actually happened in the show...**


	8. Realization

"Shell City. The forbidden city. The one place in the ocean that even I cannot access. My... me... I never thought such a dark day would befall me and my kingdom..." Neptune mumbled, his head hung pitifully.

"SpongeBob, do me a favor and go present the crab to me out here so I may kill him discretely. Lord knows publicity is the last thing I need in my current situation."

SpongeBob looked back at the Krusty Krab 2 doors nervously. Facing Neptune, he sighed. He had formulated an idea, though it was a crazy one. An asinine one even. But he had made up his mind nonetheless. It was possibly the only method of getting Neptune to change his mind about the execution.

"*Sigh* Neptune, I volunteer to go to Shell City and collect the crown!" he announced boldly. Neptune stood there with a dumbfounded look on his face. Then, he burst out laughing. "Y-you go to Shell City and get my crown! Oh that is truly rich! Aha ha ha!" Neptune howled.

"Why, you're just a simple child! You would die seconds after you crossed the county line!" SpongeBob's face went red, a mix of anger and embarrassment filled him.

"I-I am not a kid!" he defended pathetically, Neptune scoffed, "Oh stop whining and just look at yourself! You are half the size of everyone in Bikini Bottom besides the children, you have the voice of that of a child, and you have the mere complexion of one!" Neptune declared scornfully.

SpongeBob was getting flustered. "I **can** do this! You just see Neptune, you just see!" SpongeBob insisted.

It went on like this for a good long while before Mindy finally broke their bickering, "Enough! Daddy, you should be grateful that someone is willing to get you're crown that you can't replace!" Mindy shouted in a scolding tone. SpongeBob stood there with a smirk on his face.

Neptune, however, still stood his ground on the matter, "For the last time, NO!" he boomed, the ground practically shaking with the weight of his voice.

Suddenly, Neptune rushed into the Krusty Krab 2. SpongeBob attempted to go after him, but a lock materialized on the door. SpongeBob tried his hardest to get the lock of to no avail, and Mindy attempted to look through the glass of the restaurant.

The glass had turned an opaque blue color and the lock was physically impossible to remove without the mighty powers of Neptune.

Finally, Neptune ran out the doors of the Krusty Krab 2, Mr. Krabs being dragged by his shackles behind, and stepped into the chariot. "Mindy! Come! We must prepare for the crab's execution at once!" Neptune commanded. Before Mindy could go, SpongeBob grabbed her arm.

"Mindy, I'm going, whether I have your father's permission or not. I need something, _anything _that can help me. Please."

Mindy sighed and gave SpongeBob what appeared to be a small sack used for carrying money, "Oh! Money, hm, suppose I could find a way to shank someone with it..." SpongeBob replied. Mindy smacked her forehead, "Look closer! It's a bag of winds I stole from my father! It's the only thing that can get you back to Bikini Bottom after you get the crown. SpongeBob, listen, if you insist on going who am I to stop you, but there are many, MANY dangers, the outskirts of Bikini Bottom aren't exactly the friendliest... And guarding Shell City, is a monstrous Cyclops!" Mindy cried.

"MINDY! CHARIOT! NOW!" Mindy rolled her eyes and went to the chariot, "Good luck!" she called as the chariot rode away.

It was then that SpongeBob felt breathing down his neck, "Patrick!" he greeted happily, embracing his best friend who had stood behind him. "Who was that, enchantress?" he asked in awe. "You mean Mindy? She was King Neptune's daughter," SpongeBob explained. "Nevermind that for now, King Neptune just announced that he was going to execute Mr. Krabs for stealing his crown and sending it to Shell City! Except he didn't send it to Shell City and he didn't steal it! Patrick are you listening? Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah! Blah blah PATRICK LISTEN TO ME!" SpongeBob shouted. Patrick snapped awake.

"Anyway, we need to get that crown back! And we need another man for this job... Squidward."

* * *

Squidward had seen the whole ordeal unfold, or he would've if he hadn't left almost immediately, but really couldn't care less about it, and was now playing sour notes on his clarinet at home.

*Knock* *knock* *knock* Someone was at the door.

Grumbling, Squidward put down his clarinet and walked to his front door. "SpongeBob, for the last time NO! I will not help you de gunk your fingernails!" he called before walking away. This time it was Patrick who knocked on the door, nearly sending it into the wall parallel to it and nearly taking Squidward's head off his shoulders.

"Patrick! How many times have I told you not to break down my front door with those hams you call hands!" Squidward cried. "Oops..." Patrick said.

SpongeBob rolled his eyes and walked up to Squidward, "We need your help! Mr. Krabs just got arrested and it turns out that Neptune's crown is in Shell City and now we have to go there and get it before Mr. Krabs is executed!" he cried in one breath.

Squidward stood there for a few seconds, appearing to be lost in thought, and then, a scowl formed on his face, "You know what? No. I'm not going with you. SpongeBob, Patrick, the fact that you want my help is hilariously ironic because now, you're at the mercy of _my_ choice. And I say NO! And do you want to know why? Because I hate you two, I hate you two with a **passion!** I mean, how many times can you destroy my hopes and dreams because of your disgusting invasion of privacy! And your stupidity is FAR from excusable. Every time I try something new, something enjoyable, one of you two idiots is there to take that away from me because you can't just mind your own business! And now, you two creeps think that I'll go risking my life to save a man who deserves what he's getting? No. No! NO!" Squidward snapped, slamming the door in their faces and storming upstairs.

SpongeBob sighed and walked away forlorn.

"SpongeBob? What's the matter buddy? C'mon! We need to go get that crown and save Mr. Krabs!" Patrick said. SpongeBob stopped and turned around, defeat painted on his face, "Squidward was right Patrick, we are horrible. I've never realized it until now but, we have been a burden on Squidward, we've gone far past annoying and have ruined a man's life. And Squidward may be right about the other thing he said, Mr. Krabs doesn't deserve to be saved. Crown thief or not, he's a bad man too. I mean look at the facts! He's abused animals, paid me with fake money, forced me to nearly ruin other peoples' lives, simply laughed off me telling him that he nearly drove Plankton to suicide, has held customers captive and Neptune knows how many other crimes! I'm going home, Pat, I think I know why we're not men..." SpongeBob replied sadly, going inside his house and closing the door behind him, leaving Patrick to do the same.

* * *

** Author's Note:**

** Wow, this chapter was a handful, then that happened... Welp! That's justice for you!**


End file.
